I have a
confession to a make: I almost quit belly dancing last year. I had hit a point
where I was discouraged and burnout, and the two emotions together fueled a
major rut. For a period of almost six
months, I said no to every single private gig inquiry. While I was still doing
my regularly monthly restaurant gig, a handful of other shows, and teaching
with the Experimental College, these were all activities that I had previously
committed to prior to sinking into my slump. I had dropped any new goals or
ambitions. Despite my authoring a book on regularly practicing and setting
goals, I was barely practicing myself. In short, I was being a major hypocrite.
I had hinted
at my feelings mildly in this post from last summer, but I wasn’t being
entirely honest. I had down-played how extensively I was feeling this. There was
a combination of factors that were contributing to my condition. As the post
had discussed, I had been pretty discouraged by the lengthy negative feedback I
had received during a belly dance competition. And in the second competition,
while my feedback and scores were mainly positive and high, I still felt that I
had let myself down. That I had more inside me that I could have brought to the
stage, but that in the competition and in my other shows, I just for some
reason couldn’t access it. It was stuck.
I was
stuck.
I was
feeling that I had plateaued. I wasn’t
enjoying myself anymore and it was all starting to feel like a chore. Additionally, with moving, changing jobs,
and getting married in a nine month time-span, I was just generally exhausted.
Put all together, I was dealing with major burnout. I flat-out just didn’t care if I continued to
dance or not.
Thus, I did
the only solution I could do: I stopped.
As mentioned, I still fulfilled prior commitments that I had, but I
didn’t reach out for new things. Instead, I turned inward. I need time to nurture myself. I relaxed, read books, watched TV, and sat on
the couch instead of popping in a practice DVD. I took things off my to-do list
and released my need to reach certain milestones by certain deadlines. I
listened to my body and in the process something magical began to happen.
I started to
care again, but in a different sense. By
releasing all the expectations I had built over the years, I got back to why I
started to belly dance in the first place: because it brings me inner joy and
peace. Because it’s beautiful and it expresses a sacred part of who I am. And because,
gosh darn it, I love wearing sequins. I
began to dance more for myself and care much less about what my audience and
fellow dancers thought of me. Will I never, ever care about what others think
of me? No, that would be unrealistic.
But I’m moving in the right direction. I also began experimenting more with music
that spoke directly to me, music completely outside of the standard belly dance
genre. Music that is more authentic to me and my performance. And I would also add that my students helped
me. Just as students learn from their teachers, teachers also learn from their
students. By seeing the novelty and wonder that is belly dancer reflected back
at me through the eyes of my students, I was helped to see it that way again as
well. While I’m now starting to revisit
my goals, I’m no longer frantically attached to a checklist.
Yes, by
giving myself the time and space to heal and rest, by literally doing nothing,
I got to the next phase in the journey.
So why am I
sharing this? Because I want you to know that if you are experiencing a low
point, whether in belly dance or something else, you are okay. You are perfectly
fine where you are. Everyone goes
through low points, failures, and detours where they want to give up. So if you
are experiencing this, just go with it.
Let the ebb and flow of life happen.
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do. You can’t force
inspiration or motivation to happen. As
the ebb rises again you will emerge reinvigorated, maybe on the same path you
were on before. Or maybe on a new one. Let yourself be a beginner again,
starting fresh. Listen to what your soul says you need and nourish the
experiences that are authentically you. Not because someone else thinks you
should. Sometimes to achieve something,
we have to let it go. Sometimes we have to step out of our own way.
