Alessandra, Signing Off

Well, 2020. What to say about that. I would love to never hear the phrase "social-distancing" again. However, when I reflect back on these last 12 months, for the year that was "canceled", I actually did quite a bit. 

Before the lockdowns hit the U.S., I got in an epic vacation to the Yucatan peninsula where I got to visit Chichen Itza, amongst over Mayan ruin sites, which was one of my dreams since childhood. The trip included Cancun, Tulum, Merida, Playa del Carmen, and sites in between. There was swimming in cenotes, dancing to salsa, watching epic live performances, and relaxing at the beach. 

When it comes to belly dance, I didn't do nearly as much as I normally do in a year, of course due to so many restaurants being closed and my company being on hiatus. But I did manage to squeeze in five performances. I also auditioned for and joined a ladies salsa team through Studio Azul back in January. Once the lockdowns started, we continued practicing virtually, which was sometimes a struggle, But in July we pulled off a live virtual performance, after only one in-person rehearsal. I also continued to take pole dancing classes when studios were allowed to be open, and I am proud to say I graduated to level two. I'm looking forward to resuming when studios reopen in Seattle. 

In April, I completely did the pandemic puppy thing and this fluffy, sweet little guy entered my life. He is my constant companion and I love him to the moon and back. Best part of 2020. 

I also purchased a condo this year! By the time I moved into my new space in July, it was my fourth address in less than two years (FML, moving is seriously the worst). But I'm happy to have found a permanent place to call my own, and have had fun selecting some new furniture and turning my second bedroom into my dance rehearsal space.

With so much performing art being cancelled this year, it was a necessity for me to still find ways to encompass beauty and creativity into my life, and am happy to say I had the opportunity to collaborate on five photo shoots this year, with the outcome being some of my all time-favorite pictures. But let me just say, my soul is dying to sit in a theatre or music venue and watch someone sing, dance, act, or play a musical instrument. Please can we get back to regularly scheduled programming some time in 2021!

Photo Credit: Al Martinez

Photo Credit: Boudoir in Seattle

Photo Credit: Al Martinez

Photo Credit: Al Martinez

Photo Credit: Fred Dimanno

I also found ways to keep myself entertained at home. I took up the very easy craft of diamond painting and completed two paintings. I purged my closets and donated two carloads of clothing and other household items to Goodwill (those hour-plus long donation lines were no joke!!). And I read 25 books, with Glennon Doyle's Untamed being by far my favorite.

For some much needed changes of scenery during pandemic lockdown, I was fortunate to get in some weekend trips to Vashon Island, Mount St. Helens, and Spokane / Coeur d'Alene. And finally, I tapped into my inner Katniss and took a six-week archery class during the fall. Yup, pretty sure that officially makes me a badass!

That being said, 2020 wasn't all fun and games for me, as I'm sure it wasn't for any of us. There were days when I felt my train had fallen off the tracks; days where I was melancholy, grumpy, and unproductive. You know how you usually say, wow, this year just flew by, what happened to the time? No, not this year. Not for me anyway. I feel I have been living in 2020 for something more like three years. Some days, I feel I have been working at my dining room table for all 16 years of my professional career. The repetition of it making me feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day. I also had quite a bit of personal relationship drama and distress. However, I'm happy to say that now, by the end of the year, things have worked themselves out in that regard.

One of my personal realizations has been that the lockdown triggered a significant amount of childhood emotional trauma for me. I grew up in a cult where one's whole life was dictated to you: who you could be friends with, what career you could aspire to, how much education you could attain, what clothes you could wear, who you could marry, what music you could listen to, pretty much even the thoughts inside your own head. So there were elements of the lockdown for me, being so restricted on what you can and can't do, that brought me back to being in a cult and a culture that I had escaped from as a 17-year-old. It created high levels of anxiety and depression for me at the beginning of each new lockdown cycle, and it was something I had to actively work through, including speaking with a therapist about, amongst other issues related to both the past and recent events. 

Looking forward. 

I know just because tomorrow morning we will wake up in 2021 that not everything will be resolved. But with advances related to the vaccine, I feel optimistic that things will slowly start to get better. I also have a number of personal goals that I feel excited and energized about: seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time, upping the ante on my fitness and wellness, studying belly dance with my favorite dancer Diva Darina, traveling to Chile, hopefully riding in a hot air balloon, amongst a number of other aspirations. Overall, I'm trying to focus on the things I can control. Always wise advice, but especially in a time period when so much is out of our control, I think that attitude is even more important than ever. Twenty twenty-one, let's turn the page to a new chapter. I'm ready. 

And finally, to the title of my post: signing off. I've made the decision that this will be my last blog post. It's been a long run for sure. I've been posting every month since 2010; an entire decade. This post will make post #180. I've written about the history of belly dance, tips for performing, and belly dance cultural icons. I've interviewed fellow dancers and had guest bloggers. I've shared my personal struggles, triumphs, dreams, and goals. The past posts will continue to stay up, but in the interest of making more time for other pursuits, I have decided that I will no longer be posting new content here. However, you can continue to find me on my belly dance Facebook page at Alessandra Dance and my Instagram page at andria_alessandra. 

To each of you, thank you for reading along with me all these years. I appreciate you taking this journey with me. Wishing you a happy new year, filled with love and abundance. Blessings. 

Validation is for Parking

Validation is for parking.

So simple, yet so wise. If you read my post about my experience prepping for and competing in Belly Dancer USA, then you heard me mention this phrase there.  As much as I might like to, I can’t take credit for this genius phrase.  I stumbled across this from Austin Kleon’s book Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. It’s short and to the point. I got through it in a 1-hour lunch break. But man oh man, is it powerful.

Seeking validation is something I’ve consistently struggled with in my belly dance career. It’s in part, a holdover from the rest of my life, where if I’m being honest with myself, I also seek a lot of validation.  In my past I’ve consistently sought and received validation in the form of awards, money, jobs, promotions, and certifications.  In school, I was an honor roll student, captain of the gymnastics team, first chair in the orchestra, and swimming record holder.  In college, it turned into full-ride scholarships, international business competitions, and graduating magna cum laude. And it’s continued into my adult life with job promotions, raises, and professional designations.  Overall, it’s been a lot of running around checking accomplishments off a list. 

Additionally, I think the need to seek validation in belly dance has arisen for me more in this art form because belly dance doesn’t originate from American culture.  When I belly dance, I’m representing someone else’s culture and history.  A culture that I didn’t grow up in, don’t speak the language, and don’t fully understand the social nuances of.  I’ve certainly tried to lean as much as possible, but regardless of what knowledge I take in, it will never change the fact that I’m an American.  I fully respect other cultures, and as such, want to make sure that if I’m representing someone else’s, that I am doing so in a manner that is respectful and accurate.  However, at times I think this desire has gotten in my way of being my own dancer and allowing me the freedom to interpret belly dance in manner that is individualized and adapted to myself.  

Thus, I’ve spent a lot of my belly dance career seeking outside validation.  Wondering, am I doing it right? Does the audience like what I’m doing? What do the other professional dancers think of me? Am I good enough? Are they judging me?  Is my technique solid?  Maybe they are all bored?  Should I dance faster?  Smile more?  Maybe not so fast and not so much smiling?  Maybe if I just do X, followed by Y and finished up with Z I'll have it down? Or no, maybe I should do Z, then X, and Y? Or how about X, Y, and Z all together at the same time?

In other words, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what other people think and hoping to receive their validation.

But art isn’t black and white.  There isn’t right or wrong, regardless of those who try to insist their way is "right".  Yes, you do need to know the rules before you can break them.  But after you've learned the foundation, it's all an interpretation.  You can attempt to compare and categorize, but it’s so subjective that when it comes to art, no two people are going to come to the exact same conclusions all the time. So if you’re always worrying about what other people think you will never reach your full potential as an artist.  You will never own your own creative process.  You will never be truly authentic.  You will never birth the art that resonates with your inner being.  And you will never experience that elusive state of tarab.  You’ll instead spend your time being an imitation, chasing yourself in circles and second guessing your choices.  

I should know. I’ve been there.

Well, actually, I’m still working through it. Trying to find my own voice in this dance.  But hey, they say you “teach” what you most need to learn, right? Thus, this is where my current work resides: letting go of fear, fully opening myself to vulnerability, and allowing myself to speak my truth.