Refuse to Choose!

There’s been a topic on my mind lately that is dear to my heart, and intricately connected to what I’m currently attempting to write a book about.  That topic is how we use our time, and what activities we select to do, or don't do, with that time.  If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know that I’m a CPA by day, belly dancer by night. I also have a pretty big range of other interests that I actively and regularly engage in, including but not limited to foreign travel, writing this blog and the aforementioned book, running distance races, aerial classes, playing the violin, volunteering, serving as a board member for non-profit organizations, scrapbooking, and more.

At times I’ve been criticized, even by my close friends and family, that I have too many activities.  That my schedule is too packed and I need to scale back. And while I can understand their sentiment, I don’t agree with it.

There has been a long-running narrative in our culture that you need to choose a particular career path and one or two side-interests/hobbies to go with it. But I strongly believe that this discredits the way that myself and many other people experience the world around them. I am a curious and creative person and I look out into the world with awe. There are so many new things to try and experiences to be had.  How can I pick only a few? Why do I need to “master” a particular trade or hobby, focusing on it with singularity from the moment I enter college to the day I retire? When I look at this narrow approach to life that limits our choices and experiences, to me it seems to create undue pressure.  The message has been that each person needs to quickly figure out and commit to the one career path and/or interest that they are supposed to focus on for the entirely of their lives.  With this mentality, it’s no wonder many twenty-something’s have a quarter-life crisis after leaving college!

If you’re like me, and you have a wide range of interests, and you feel either subtle or overt pressure that you need to choose what your life's focus is, I say refuse to choose! Only you know if something isn’t working for your life or not.  Take a moment to ask yourself that question:  Are any of my activities or commitments causing an issue? Or is it only external pressures that make me feel I need to limit myself?

Rather, than picking just one profession or just one hobby, I think it’s more important to make sure that the jobs and activities that you spend your time on are in alignment with your core values.  For me, I have eight core values: passion, discovery, creativity, empowerment, love, holistic living, spirituality, and authenticity.  How to pick core values and what those words mean to me, is another blog post (or two) in and of itself.  But yes, these are the things I value and what I want my life and my work to reflect.  And these are the standards of measurement that I use when gauging whether or not an activity or interest is appropriate for me.  When I evaluate how I want to use my time, I frequently ask myself if the new activity I’m pondering honors one or more of my core values.  Using these as indicators, rather than taking a quantitative measurement of how many things I should be engaged in, is much more meaningful for me. 

So yes, pursue that creative passion! Dance, sing, write, explore! Start moonlighting. Book an exotic vacation. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on what your core values are right now (and yes, they can change over time, and that’s perfectly okay), and see if you have either congruency or disconnect between those values and how you employ your time.  If you have dissonance, starting making some changes.  Expand your boundaries.  Let go of pressures to follow a traditional path through life.  Forge your own path! Whatever lights you up and makes you sparkle from the inside out is the right path for you. Don’t let anyone else pick for you.

Why 30 Is So Much Better Than 20

Having recently had my 30th birthday, a birthday that many people don't look forward to, if not downright dread, I wasn't sure how I might feel on the actual day. Maybe I'd wake up and burst into tears at being practically middle-aged. Maybe I'd look in the mirror and see my first wrinkle. Maybe I'd bemoan the fact that I don't have a husband, house, child, or pet.

But in actuality, 30 is pretty good. In fact, in comparison to 20, it's infinitely better in almost all aspects. Let me share.

Career & Finances: At 20, I was working part-time at a job that was pretty good for a college kid, as I was making decent pay and had benefits. It was however downright boring, had no future, and was certainly not going to pay for anything other than the basic necessities in life. At 30, I have two fulfilling careers: one where I'm in management and have a 23rd floor office with a view of Elliot Bay, and another where I get paid to wear sequin costumes. Not to mention, that my current annual income is over five times what I made in college and I have a car that doesn't break down on me.

Relationship: At 20, I spent about half the year dating my ex-finance (yes, he was my ex-fiance at that time and we were still dating) in a tumultuous, emotional, and draining relationship, fraught with tears and arguments, until we finally broke up for the fourth and final time. I spent the other half of 20 with a new boyfriend, wherein our relationship was mostly based on drinking heavily on the weekends. At 30, I'm engaged to a loving and caring man who sends me flowers at work, supports my goals in life, and surprises me with cupcakes. And ladies, let me say the diamonds are much better at 30, as in three-times-the-size better.

Social: At 20, most of my high-school friends had gone off to out of state colleges, while I was still here. Not living in the dorms and working in an office of mostly 40 and 50 somethings, I really hadn't made any new friends and was lonely a lot of the time. At 30, I've made a number of new friends who I socialize with regularly. We do movie nights, girls trips to New York, murder mystery parties, and most recently, I had an out of state friend surprise me by flying up to spend my birthday with me.

Residence: At 20, my parents were going through a divorce and selling their house. I was going to be financially independent from them and I quite frankly didn't know where I was going to live.  It was stressful and it was a mess. At 30, while I don't own my own home, I have a cute apartment in Queen Anne, a neighborhood I simply adore, filled with all the things I love: Dali prints from Spain, espresso cups from Italy, stacks of books, costumes from Egypt, feather boas, and delicate teacups. My very own personal sanctuary.

Hobbies & Playtime: At 20, most of my weekend activities consisted of going out partying and becoming intoxicated. While fun at the time I suppose, it was rather limited, not to mention unhealthy, and certainly something I no longer have a desire to do. Not to say that I don't still indulge in wine or cocktails, but now my weekend activities also include taking trapeze lessons, reading in coffee shops, learning aerial silks, getting paid to perform at parties, cooking classes, and stand-up paddle boarding, to name a few. And the really big stuff? In the last four years I've gone to surf camp in Sayulita Mexico, climbed the pyramids in Egypt, wandered the canals of Venice, and belly danced in Greece.

Physical: Yes, I may not look 20 anymore, and with the way the fashion and beauty industry presents it, they make it sound like I've practically got one foot in the grave. And certainly there are days when I look in the mirror and don't feel elated with what I see. However, I'm actually happier with my appearance today than as I was at 20. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin and I don't have nearly as much negative internal dialogue related to my appearance. As an added bonus, I can still fit into dresses I wore in high school and I can still walk down an aisle in the grocery store and get hit on. But most importantly, I lead a healthy and active lifestyle. My body can still run me up a flight of stairs, swim the length of a pool underwater, and turn over into a handstand.

Self-Awareness: At 20, I was pretty lost. I don't think I realized how exactly lost I was at the time. But looking back now, I see it. As the years between then and now have gone by, I've learned so much more about myself, what I want out of life, who I want to surround myself with, how I want to treat others, and what my passions are. No way would I ever wish to turn back the clock and lose that connection with myself. Inner beauty is ageless.

So the whole point of my post, rather than sound like I'm bragging about myself and tooting my own horn, is that 30 is just a number. Quite a meaningless number really. Happiness and contentment aren't associated with any particular age. We are all on our own paths with our own timelines. So no matter what age you're approaching, embrace where you are, right now. Count your blessings. Celebrate.

Thirty, I think you and I are going to be good friends.